Boys, girls and porn: why ‘at least she's reading’ is not enough

When I visit schools, we repeatedly come round to boys watching pornography. We discuss what it shows them, the ideas about sex they take from it and what adults can do. With girls, a similar conversation often never begins.

They are reading, after all. And we praise children for reading.

That asymmetry is precisely what prompted me to write this article. A video makes us pay attention. With a book, we may be satisfied that the child has put down their phone and can spend hours with a text. We no longer find out what kind of story it is, whom it is intended for or what sex and relationships look like within it. ‘At least she's reading’ can thus become a reason not to ask further.

I support reading. At the same time, I want us to take an interest in girls' erotic stories, romantic fantasies and ideas about relationships too. Their curiosity deserves the same attention as boys'. Not automatic praise for paper or automatic horror at sexuality.

A book is not an age category

A child's ability to read five hundred pages does not answer whether the particular content is appropriate for them. I would assess reading ability and readiness for a particular topic separately.

Romantasy brings a romantic story together with fantasy. The term itself is neither a synonym for pornography nor a guarantee of reading material for children. Dark romance works with darker relationship themes. In its genre guide, publisher Penguin lists obsession, power imbalances, controlling behaviour and ambiguous or absent consent, for example. At the same time, it presents the genre as a space for fantasy, rather than endorsement of such conduct. This is the description of a publisher selling these books, not research into their effects on female readers. ¹²

We find differences in Czech catalogues too. Albatros Media lists Rebecca Yarros's Fourth Wing as suitable from age 15, while a particular edition of Sarah J. Maas's A Court of Mist and Fury is listed from age 18. Yet it places both books in romantasy. A publisher's age recommendation is not an assessment of every child's maturity, but it is information I would not overlook before buying. ³⁴

Sexually explicit content can also be written or spoken. A screen with a video is not a requirement. This is therefore not only about books from a shop. I would also include online stories, fan fiction — stories created by fans around familiar characters — and audio erotica in the conversation. For each particular work, I would ask whom it was created for and what it contains. There is no reason to assume headphones or text on a screen automatically mean the same as an explicit video. Nor is there a reason to stop taking an interest because we see no video.

An adult reading an erotic book and a twelve-year-old girl reading one are not the same situation. For a parent, what matters is their particular daughter and the particular text, not a verdict on an entire genre.

Alongside sex, the story also explains why it happens

With an erotic story, I would not look only at the number of sex scenes. I would also be interested in the relationship they sit within. What is the reader supposed to find attractive? Who can decide? What follows when one character refuses?

Take a hypothetical story: a man follows the heroine, decides whom she may see and does not accept her refusal. The narrative gradually explains that he behaves this way because he loves her and fears for her. If they become a happy couple at the end, it is worth discussing not only his behaviour but also how the story justifies it.

I would therefore not look for the problem only in ‘Is there sex in it?’ What the story presents as love matters just as much. It can show someone learning to respect another person. But it can also reward persistent boundary-crossing by turning it into a destined romance in the end.

Julia Lippman examined a related question in an experiment using film clips. Romantic portrayals of persistent pursuit did not increase acceptance of beliefs supporting stalking among all participants. An effect appeared among those more absorbed in the story or who considered it more realistic. Portraying the same kind of behaviour as frightening, by contrast, weakened those beliefs. The research concerned films and attitudes, not the effect of romantasy reading on Czech schoolgirls. But it shows why examining a story's framing makes sense too. ⁵

With my daughter, then, I would not ask only whether she knows dragons are not real. I would be interested in how she understands what people allow themselves to do to one another.

A favourite hero is not yet a guide to choosing a partner

Here, we need to listen to the girl properly. Liking a dangerous character does not allow us to infer straight away that she wants a dangerous partner. She may tell us very precisely what she enjoys reading in a story but would reject in her own life. Our conversation should not be a test with a result assigned beforehand.

Books and reading communities themselves are not uniform either. Laura Niebling's 2025 analysis examined 34 romantasy books and 15 videos on BookTok, TikTok's reading community. It also described an emphasis on characters' consent and autonomy, and readers' critical discussions of these topics. This is an analysis of selected texts and discussions, not a measurement of long-term effects on teenagers. But it reminds us that a reader need not passively receive everything a story offers. ²

That is precisely why I would choose specific questions. What do you like about that character? Where did they behave badly? Would you want to experience this, or do you enjoy watching it happen to someone else? The child may have a more considered answer than we expect. She may also get space for the first time to name something that did not sit right while reading.

I would maintain a simple boundary in such a conversation: finding a story attractive is not consent to behaviour in real life. If a girl has ever enjoyed a story about crossing boundaries, that gives nobody permission to cross hers. The person exerting pressure and causing harm is responsible for it, not her bookshelf.

Attention, jealousy and the idea that love knows everything

Alongside sex, I would also discuss ordinary expectations of a partner. Taking an interest in someone, being reliable and respecting their boundaries are not excessive demands. I would not want to tell girls to accept indifference because ‘life isn't a novel’.

But there are ideas I would explore in greater detail. For example, that someone who truly loves you must know everything without explanation. That constant jealousy confirms a relationship's depth. Or that a girl can put right a partner's harmful behaviour through patience and love.

Imagine two sentences: ‘I'd like him to notice when I'm not well’ and ‘If I have to tell him what I need, he doesn't love me’. In the first, I hear a wish to be noticed. With the second, I would ask whether we are giving the other person a chance to learn something and reach an understanding at all. Similarly, I would distinguish an offer to accompany someone from a demand to share their location constantly so their partner does not get angry.

I would be just as specific about intimacy. In explaining consent, the American Academy of Pediatrics emphasises that it should be freely given, without pressure, and can be changed. A yes said once does not last for ever. ⁶ A conversation about a book can therefore include a simple question: ‘Could she really say no to him in this situation? What would happen then?’

This also includes a reminder that a girl does not have to imitate a character's or her peers' experiences. I do not want her to leave the article with another idea about what she should already have done. She should have space to discover what she wants herself, and what she does not yet want.

When a fictional partner starts replying

AI introduces a different situation. The reader no longer has to watch a relationship between two written characters. She can enter a conversation herself that responds to her words and feels personal. Australia's eSafety Commissioner describes AI companions as services simulating personal relationships; some allow a character's personality to be adjusted and sexually explicit conversations to take place. ⁷

Imagine a girl attracted to a certain kind of romantic hero. In a book, she reads his written story. In a chat, she can imagine her own continuation and become part of it. This is not automatically the same experience or the same risk as reading. I would be interested in the role such interaction already plays in her life.

In a 2025 American Common Sense Media survey, approximately a third of teenagers aged 13–17 reported using AI companions for social or relationship purposes. Alongside romance, this category included friendship, emotional support, role-play and practising conversations. It is not a figure for a third of girls having an AI partner, nor proof that these services are mainly used by girls. ⁸

My concern is the possibility that personally tailored interaction becomes the yardstick for a relationship with a person. How does a girl then perceive another person's need for time, disagreement or wish to do something of their own? This is a question for discussion, not a predetermined fate for every user.

I would not give children unrestricted access to romantic and erotic chatbots. I would decide consciously about their content, availability and any payments. At the same time, I would not dismiss the meaning their experiences there may have for them. Teaching a child to understand how the service works and maintaining boundaries seems more useful than ridiculing their feelings.

When fantasy stops being just a rest

I would not consider a girl's anticipation of the next instalment or need for some time alone a problem. Instead, I would notice specific changes: she says she wants to stop but repeatedly cannot; reading or chatting regularly costs her sleep; she gives up contacts she herself wants; or comparison with stories troubles her over time. To me, these are reasons for a conversation, not a home addiction test.

Professional assessment of sexual behaviour does not rest on a strong interest alone either. The professional description of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder distinguishes persistent loss of control and significant disruption to life from ordinary sexual curiosity; shame or moral disagreement alone are insufficient for diagnosis. This framework is not a label for readers of romantic books. ⁹

When a girl retreats into stories, I would also ask about her experience outside them. Does she have someone to see? Does she experience acceptance among people, or humiliation? In my work with young people, I have also met some who, in my phrase, had ‘checked out of society’. I would therefore not automatically treat the visible book or phone as the beginning of the entire problem.

This connects with my theory of points of contact with reality. Alongside boundaries, we need to offer something at all: a trustworthy person, a place among peers, an activity they can enter. It need not be dating. A reading club, a shared interest or a friend are possibilities I would explore with the girl according to her wishes. Not to take her away from books at any cost, but so that other experiences are available to her too.

What I would recommend to parents

Start with interest in the particular book. Find out its title, age recommendation and content warnings. Read an extract, or part of the book. The cover alone or a positive review may not answer what you need to know. You can begin quite ordinarily with your daughter: ‘I can see you're really enjoying it. What's it about? Who's your favourite character?’

Do not make it a hidden examination. She need not describe her sexual fantasies to you for a conversation about a fictional relationship to be possible. And do not begin by calling all her favourite reading perverse. eSafety's recommendations for conversations about sexual content combine a calm response without shaming with age-appropriate boundaries. I would apply this approach to books too. ¹⁰

When content is inappropriate, actually set the boundary. With a twelve-year-old daughter, I would not consider an explicitly erotic title intended for adults suitable simply because her classmates read it. I would explain the specific reason and look for another book that retains what interests her: romance, adventure, suspense. Curiosity about relationships is not a reason for punishment. Equally, it is not a reason to give a child every kind of content they find.

With an older teenager, I would discuss her own interpretation and choice more. I would no longer manage an eighteen-year-old daughter's reading as a child's. But interest and the chance to talk can remain at any age. The conversation also includes the positive side of sexuality and relationships, not only a list of dangers: mutuality, pleasure, trust and the possibility of feeling good with someone. ⁶

When there are difficulties, address what is happening, not only the title in her hand. I would discuss significant distress or long-term disruption to sleep, school or relationships with a paediatrician or psychologist. If a girl discloses pressure or harm, safety and help take precedence over a debate about reading. Her taste is neither an explanation nor an excuse for what someone did to her. ⁶¹⁰

What a school that wants to support reading can do

I would recommend schools give content as much attention as reading performance. When selecting books for the library, recommendations or competition prizes, we should know whom they are intended for. I would not use social media popularity as a substitute for knowing a particular title. Nor would I bring explicit extracts unsuitable for the age group into lessons because of this topic.

The conversation need not take the form of another prevention talk. With an age-appropriate story, we can examine who decides, how characters handle refusal or whether the narrator excuses something that would look different from another character's perspective. For instance, I suggest comparing two short hypothetical descriptions: in one, someone offers to accompany another person home; in the other, they demand to do so and become angry at refusal. Pupils can identify the difference without discussing their own intimacy in front of the class.

I would not restrict this topic to girls. This article focuses on them because I miss their part in these conversations, not because only they should deal with respect and consent. Boys have the same responsibility for their own conduct. In the classroom, I would leave space for anonymous questions and not assign anyone the role of an example based on the book in their bag.

Support reading and keep taking an interest

I do not want praise for reading to turn into suspicion of every girl who reads. I want our interest not to end at praise. Girls' fantasies, sexuality and ideas about relationships deserve more than alternating between two responses: ‘That's terrible’ and ‘That's great, she's reading, after all’.

Next time, by all means notice that your daughter has put down her phone and opened a book. Just add an interest in what she found in it. We can support reading and talk about its content at the same time.

Sources and supporting material

1. Katie Russell / Penguin (3 August 2026): A beginner’s guide to dark romance. A publisher's description of the genre and content warnings. Used for orientation in books' themes, not as an independent assessment of their effects. Penguin.

2. Laura Niebling (2025): Consent capital: From Romantasy’s “Alpha male archetypes” toward a new cultural theory in post-digital storytelling. New Media & Society, online 27 September 2025. An analysis of 34 books and 15 thematically selected videos. This is not a study of changes in readers' behaviour. DOI: 10.1177/14614448251375107.

3. Albatros Media: Čtvrté křídlo (Fourth Wing). Catalogue information for edition EAN 9788025366882: NA romantasy genre, recommended from age 15. Verified 28 September 2026. Publisher's catalogue.

4. Albatros Media: Dvůr mlhy a hněvu (A Court of Mist and Fury). Catalogue information for edition EAN 9788026742555: NA fantasy and NA romantasy genres, recommended from age 18. Verified 28 September 2026. An example of age classification, not a claim that this title causes particular difficulties. Publisher's catalogue.

5. Julia R. Lippman (2018; online 2015): I Did It Because I Never Stopped Loving You: The Effects of Media Portrayals of Persistent Pursuit on Beliefs About Stalking. Communication Research, 45(3), 394–421. An experiment using film clips and subsequent attitudes; it cannot be directly applied to the long-term effects of girls' reading. DOI: 10.1177/0093650215570653.

6. American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org: Helping Teens Make Choices About Sex: Parent Tips. Recommendations for conversations about consent, readiness, safety and respectful relationships. American legal information on the age of consent was not imported into the Czech text. HealthyChildren.org.

7. eSafety Commissioner (18 February 2025): AI chatbots and companions: risks to children and young people. Official safety recommendations and a description of how AI companions work. Not evidence that every AI interaction displaces human relationships. eSafety Commissioner.

8. Common Sense Media (16 July 2025): Talk, Trust, and Trade-Offs: How and Why Teens Use AI Companions. An American survey of teenagers aged 13–17. The text uses the combined category of social and relationship purposes, not the prevalence of girls' romantic relationships with AI. Research report, official findings summary.

9. Shane W. Kraus et al. (2018): Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in the ICD-11. World Psychiatry, 17(1), 109–110. A professional article distinguishing impaired control and functioning from ordinary sexual interest or moral disagreement alone. These are not diagnostic criteria for reading or ordinary AI use. DOI: 10.1002/wps.20499.

10. eSafety Commissioner: What to do if your child discovers porn online. Recommendations for parents: a calm response, an age-appropriate conversation, protective settings and available help. Applying this approach to books is the author's proposal in the article. Australian law was not imported. eSafety Commissioner.

The introduction draws on the author's experience visiting schools. The hypothetical stories and conversations were created to explain the topic; they are not quotations from novels or records of particular clients. The recommended approaches are the author's application of the sources given. The cited research does not establish identical effects of pornographic videos, erotic reading and AI companions.